the last number of years i have struggled and been frustrated after having read a lot about tibetan and indian cultures. i find myself feeling less american and less european by nature and more indian. additionally i have read a lot about different spiritual paths and i see that there is a lot of rich spirituality elsewhere, and i love drawing on it, but i continue to have a strong connection to something in indian culture. some would say perhaps i had a past life in india. at times i wonder if that could be true. so many don't seem to connect to the culture like i have. it is strange in that at times i have wanted to live in india, yet lately i want less to live there and more to incorporate further and further elements of indian food and culture into my life. much like an indian living abroad i guess.

as a gay person i wonder about living in india given that gay rights still have a ways to go and given that i would most likely want to connect to the spiritual culture there. i have been out of the closet most of my life and am not sure that i would want to be more masked about my nature there which it seems would be required. lately in general i seem to be more and more reclusive and contemplative, seeking to develop my own culture around me and to create my life in a certain way rather than to be overly integrated into the rest of society. partly because of the fact that culturally i just crave something more unique. less material and body centric. i like health, but feel like too much energy is focused on body and sexuality in our culture. of course many cultures have that focus at this point.

additionally i crave a sort of modern healthy fusion of cultures which has a strong base in indian culture, but is its own unique hybrid. i love south indian food. i love colorful clothing with interesting prints. things that are different from the more aggressive imagery that is so common in males clothing. plus i tire of how technological things have gotten and crave a more soft and handmade look in some things. something more warm.

at times i have tried to fit in to western society, but i haven't done so well. i start to feel starved much like many may feel from other cultures unless they have others of their same cultural influence around them. an indian friend helped me learn some indian cooking techniques, but left me wanting to learn more about how it all works. youtube thankfully has helped with cooking videos and the web helps with recipes, but i would like to understand it more like an indian chef probably although i would like whole foods influences.

there is a struggle because when i interact with americans they tend to have a more american cultural influence which then is discouraging so lately i find myself just finding others who are more into indian foods and appreciate color and the quirky artist i can be more, although that seems to be somewhat rare especially locally to find others i connect to.

it is hard though because part of me really craves connection and comaraderie. others like myself to share and invent with, learn from, etc... but it seems to be not something easy to find. like i want something that essentially does not exist. not yet anyhow. yet, some friends definitely want elements of what i want. some friends love indian foods like i do. some friends are focused on eating healthier like i am. some friends want a more deep spiritual existence like i do. i don't know how much is others and how much is me struggling to manifest a vision that others would share or enjoy being around, but it takes work to find my way with it.

i don't just want to follow a sauce recipe, i want to know how to make the sauce. i want to know how to make it a bit different next time. i want to know how to play with the different ingredients and do something that isn't just half good, but tastes really good. i want to be the whole foods equivalent of a south indian and indian vegetarian 'top chef master' or 'iron chef'. i want to be able to present it in interesting ways. i want to be able to know my flavor combinations well. to put together not just a nice dish, but a nice combination of dishes, but do it in a way without processed ingredients as much as possible. and i want to be able to do it in ways that are fast enough and not taking my entire day.

likely more to come on this theme... off to do some cooking.